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"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”
“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”
“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”
“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.'”
Because the sun just came out.
She told me to turn the light off and stick it in her butt.
I guess I should've waited for the bulb to cool down first.
They keep knocking on the door, trying to make me change my mind
"Please let us out!", "We won't bother you again!", "Have mercy!"
She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says “This is for the flowers!”
“Don’t be silly” says her boyfriend, “you must have a vase somewhere!”
That's why some people look bright until they start talking.
He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'
The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.
'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in shock but lets him continue uninterrupted. The duck eats his food, pays and leaves.
All week the duck comes in and orders the same pint and a pork pie. The barman is amazed, but can't bring himself to interrupt the duck during his meal.
Saturday rolls by and the duck doesn't come in - obviously not working at the building site on the weekend. However, the circus is in town and in walks the circus ringmaster for a pint.
The barman says to the ringmaster 'you won't believe what I've seen this week, a talking duck!'
'Wow! That's incredible' says the ringmaster.
'Yeah, he walks in every lunchtime for a pork pie and a pint - it's amazing'
'That is amazing' agrees the ringmaster. He hands the barman his card and says 'tell him to get in touch with me, I could have some work for a talking duck!'
So Monday rolls round as as expected, in walks the duck - who orders his pork pie and a pint as usual.
The barman sheepishly picks up the card and says 'sorry to disturb you, but a circus ringmaster walked in the other day and I mentioned you've been in all last week. He told me to give you this, he might have some work for you.'
The duck looks confused and studies the card perplexed.
'So, the circus?' says the duck.
'Yeah, he came in on Saturday' says the barman.
'Where they all live in tents, with a big top and it's all made of canvas?'
'Yeah, that's right'
'Where all the humans walk free, and the animals live in cages?'
'I guess so... yeah'
The duck studies the card intently and pulls a face.
'What do they want a plasterer for?'
Before there were Adam & Eve there was just Adam.
Adam: God I’m lonely here in the garden. You gave me this place and it’s beautiful. I appreciate it. I can hang out with the animals and talk to you but I don’t have anything in common with either of you. I want a partner. Is there anything you can do?
God: Oh yeah!!! I can make you a partner that will be all of your wildest dreams come true. This chicks going to be flawless! She’s going to laugh at all of the same things as you. She’s going to be happy all of the time and never Bitch about shit. She’s going to want to do nothing all day but lay around in the shade fucking. She’ll let you do whatever you want with her. And Shes going to be your best friend in the world.
Adam: wow! That sounds incredible. How much will this cost me?
God: oh she’ll cost you a lot! She’s going to be at least an arm and a leg.
Adam: oh shit... well what could I get for a rib?
But I had to put it down.
He was in the middle of 9-11
First you put in one post, then you repost, and repost, and repost ....
When we finished, she rolled off of me and said "wow, you're by far the biggest I've ever had!" Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.
"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.
"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do, but could you please explain what exactly happened during your suicide attempt and what stopped you?" the therapist asks.
"Well I drove up to this cliff with the door locked and sat for 'bout a minute contemplating whether to just drive off and end it all. Luckily there were a dozen people who really didn't want me to give up just yet, and caused me not to." said Greg.
"Sound like extraordinary people, who exactly were they?" the therapist responds.
"The people in the back of the bus." Greg answers.
It reminded me of the time I lost my virginity, I was bloody and really sore, but at least my dad came
"You can get a penguin" says the pimp at the front desk.
"A penguin? Sounds sweet!"
The pimp brings the man back to a room and a fine young woman walks in and tells him to drop his pants.
"Oh boy im in for a good one!"
She starts going down on him and as soon as he's about to reach climax she gets up and walks out.
"Hey, where ya goin?!?!" the man says, waddling after her with his pants around his ankles.
Because she's had more black dudes in her than a jail cell.
But hey, we’ve updated our privacy policy
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her,
"How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Dont worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"Its just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... dont be like that."
Suddenly, the girls younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or hell come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for Gods sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
Me : rubs lamp "I don't want to die a virgin"
Genie : grants immortality
To pray on the week.
When NASA sent a Challenger up, it didn't go so well.
The film industry will expand its sports connections further as NBA star Blake Griffin and NFL Pro Bowler Ryan Kalil are teaming up with Paramount Pictures for an upcoming sci-fi action comedy, according to The Hollywood Reporter.
The story, which is currently being kept under wraps, comes from a pitch from Aaron Buchsbaum and Teddy Riley, who are penning the script for the upcoming third installment in the Shanghai franchise, Shanghai Dawn, with contributions coming from Griffin and Kalil. The athletic duo will be producing the film through their recently opened company Mortal Media, which is also developing a reboot to The Rocketeer with a female character in the lead and a White Men Can’t Jump remake written by Kenya Barris (Black-ish).
The post Paramount Picks Up Sci-Fi Comedy from Blake Griffin and Ryan Kalil appeared first on ComingSoon.net.
Deadline is reporting that, after years of discussing his enthusiasm for the project, Oscar winner Jamie Foxx (Ray, Django Unchained, Baby Driver) has officially signed on to play the title role of Al Simmons in Todd McFarlane’s Spawn reboot! McFarlane also confirmed the film will be the first of a planned trilogy, and will NOT contain an origin story for the character, comparing the tone to 1990’s Jacob’s Ladder.
“Jamie came to my office five years ago, and he had an idea about Spawn and we talked about it,” McFarlane said. “I never forgot him, and when I was writing this script, you sort of plug people in, and he was my visual guy and I never let go of him. When I got done and my agents and everybody was talking about what actor, I said, I’m going to Jamie first and until he says no I don’t want to think about anyone else because I’ve never had anyone else in my head. Luckily, he hadn’t forgotten either. I said, ‘Hey, I’m back to talk about Spawn again, and he was like, let’s do it.’”
“A few years back I flew out to Arizona to meet the man behind one of the most incredible comic book characters in the universe… Todd McFarlane,” said Foxx. “He was taken aback when I told him with the enthusiasm of a young child that more than anything I wanted to put my name in the hat to embody his beloved character Spawn…. I told him no one would work harder than me if given the opportunity… well… the opportunity is here!! I’m humbled and ready to transform… and to top things off the young Jason Blum is lending his brilliance to the project! Time to be great!!!! #Spawn.”
“We are thrilled Jamie Foxx will be playing the title role in our movie adaptation of Spawn,” Jason Blum said in a statement. “He is an incredible actor and a huge fan of the Spawn Universe that Todd McFarlane created. With the depth of talent Jamie can commit to the role and Todd at the helm bringing the world of Spawn to life, we could not be more excited for this film.”
Foxx previously played the Marvel comic book character Electro in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, and will next be seen as Little John opposite Taron Egerton in November’s Robin Hood.
RELATED: Exclusive: Jason Blum Talks Todd McFarlane Directing Spawn
Todd McFarlane will write and direct the Spawn reboot, which he previously confirmed will be “dark and R-rated,” even going so far as to say that it would be a harder R than Deadpool. McFarlane also revealed that the budget for the film will be a meager $10-to-$12 million, an atypical budget for a superhero film (which range into the hundreds of millions at Warner Bros. and Marvel Studios) but par for the course for Blumhouse Productions (who specialize in lower-budget features anywhere from $100k to $10 million). With such a smaller scale film, the money for which McFarlane himself is at least partially putting up, allows the filmmaker to share more content with fans from the set, which he promises to do every day of production.
First appearing in 1992’s Spawn #1, the character quickly became the symbol for 1990s comics dark and brutal antiheroes. His Hellspawn powers allow him to teleport, shape shift, and utilize a variety of weapons (notably chains) in combat. Spawn previously made the leap to the big screen in 1997 with Michael Jai White in the title role and then on television as an HBO animated miniseries, titled Todd McFarlane’s Spawn. The character recently celebrated his 25th anniversary, and will hit over 300 issues sometime next year, taking the record from “Cerebus the Aardvark” of the longest running independent comic book ever published.
The post Jamie Foxx Confirmed to Play Spawn in Todd McFarlane’s Reboot! appeared first on ComingSoon.net.
AMC has released the first 15 minutes of their new wickedly funny satire show Dietland’s series premiere. Hailing from Marti Noxon (Mad Men) and starring Joy Nash (The Mindy Project) and Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife), the series is set to premiere on June 4 at 9 pm ET with back-to-back episodes. Check out the first 15 minutes of the Dietland series premiere in the player below!
The dark comedy unveils one woman’s journey to self-awakening while exploring a multitude of issues faced by women today — including patriarchy, misogyny, rape culture, and unrealistic beauty standards in this extraordinarily timed series. Based on Sarai Walker’s 2015 best-selling, critically acclaimed novel of the same name, Dietland stars Nash as lead Plum Kettle and Golden Globe and Emmy Award-winner Margulies as Kitty Montgomery. Noxon serves as executive producer, writer, showrunner, and directs multiple episodes on the series.
Filmed on location in New York City, the 10-episode series follows Plum Kettle, ghost-writer for the editor of one of New York’s hottest fashion magazines, as she struggles with self-image and sets out on a wildly complicated road to self-acceptance. At the same time, everyone is buzzing over news reports about men, accused of sexual abuse and assault, who are disappearing and meeting untimely, violent deaths.
Plum’s boss, Kitty, is a wildly ambitious magazine editor whose world is thrown into chaos when a feminist terrorist organization starts targeting people in her orbit. Sucked into a terrifying news cycle, Kitty can no longer rely on her old-school media power and must instead play a whole new game of master manipulation where rules no longer apply.
Joining Nash and Margulies are series regulars Robin Weigert (Big Little Lies) as Verena Baptist, Adam Rothenberg (Ripper Street) as NYPD detective Dominic, Tamara Tunie (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit) as Julia, Rowena King (Shut Eye) as newscaster Cheryle Crane-Murphy, Will Seefried (The Deuce) as Ben, and newcomers Ricardo Davila as Kitty’s assistant Eladio and Tramel Tillman as Plum’s best friend Steven.
The post Watch the First 15 Minutes of Dietland Series Premiere appeared first on ComingSoon.net.
Warner Bros. Home Entertainment has announced that Supergirl: The Complete Third Season featuring 23 super-powered episodes and containing the DC Crossover, the show’s 2017 Comic-Con panel, featurettes, and more will be soaring into homes on Blu-ray and DVD September 18! You can pre-order your own copy by clicking here!
In season three, Kara Danvers grapples with the sacrifices she’s made personally while saving National City as Supergirl. She even considers covering up her human identity altogether. Being human and vulnerable is hard. Maybe she’s better off embracing her alien DNA and only being the “Girl of Steel.” As Kara struggles with her path forward, she continues to work with Hank Henshaw and her sister, Alex, at the Department of Extranormal Operations to battle all threats to National City, including new villains Morgan Edge, and the “Worldkiller,” known as Reign. Everything Kara’s ever known and everyone she’s ever loved will be tested in all 23 supercharged Supergirl adventures.
Supergirl: The Complete Third Season is priced to own at $44.98 SRP for the DVD and $49.99 SRP for the Blu-ray, which includes a Digital Copy. Supergirl: The Complete Third Season is also available to own on Digital via purchase from digital retailers, including Amazon Video, iTunes, PlayStation, Vudu, and Xbox.
“The series incorporates diversity, fairness and empowerment, and our fearless female Super Hero is a perfect role model in today’s times,” said Rosemary Markson, WBHE Senior Vice President of Television Marketing. “We’re excited to release the Blu-ray and DVD with in-depth bonus content in addition to the 23 action-packed episodes. Fans and newcomers alike can catch up on all their favorite moments from Season Three, and prepare for the highly anticipated fourth season of this hit series.”
Supergirl: The Complete Third Season Blu-ray and DVD sets contain the following special features:
– The Best of DC’s TV’s Comic-Con Panels San Diego 2017
– Inside the Crossover: Crisis on Earth-X
– She Will Reign! featurette
– Gag Reel
– Deleted Scenes
Supergirl stars Melissa Benoist as Kara Danvers/Supergirl, Mehcad Brooks as James Olsen, Chyler Leigh as Alex Danvers, Jeremy Jordan as Winslow ‘Winn’ Schott, Chris Wood as Mon-El, Katie McGrath as Lena Luthor, Odette Annable as Sam/Reign, and David Harewood as Hank Henshaw/J’onn J’onnz.
Based on the DC characters created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, the series is executive produced by Greg Berlanti, Sarah Schechter, Robert Rovner and Jessica Queller. Supergirl is produced by Berlanti Productions in association with Warner Bros. Television.
The post Supergirl Season 3 Blu-ray and DVD Details Announced! appeared first on ComingSoon.net.