An escort will stop fucking you when you run out of money
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Showing posts with label Jokes: Get Your Funny On!. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes: Get Your Funny On!. Show all posts
What’s the difference between an escort and a student loan provider?
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I asked my girlfriend to tell me something that would make me happy and sad at the same time.
She thought for a second, “Your dick is bigger than all your friends…”
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Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.
This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.
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“Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere “
Me: well it got me to the sarcasm world championships in Peru 98
“Really “
Me: No
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Daughter's confession
Daughter to her mom:
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Mom, I am dating our neighbor from the 3rd floor.
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You should really end that, he could be your father!
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But mom, for me, the age difference really does not matter...
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You don't really understand me, my dear...
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halloween joke
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Ah, October! Almost time for Halloween. This season reminds me of how I met my wife. I went to a costume party, and saw her across the room. Standing there all thin and tall and gorgeous next to her fat friend. They'd come to the party together dressed as the number ten," he tells the bartender. "That's when I knew, she was the one."
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What do men and Excel have in common?
They're always automatically turning things into dates when they're not.
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My crush just sneezed and I accidentally replied "bless you !"
Now she's staring at the bush, wondering who said that.
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The position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
The cost of eating out has gone up.
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A lot of women turn into good drivers.
So if you are a good driver, watch out for women turning.
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Three conspiracy theorists get into a car.
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
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What do you call a prince fucking a princess ?
Princest
Yeah i'll leave
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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went…
…then it dawned on me.
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A German couple has a baby...
For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”
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What do you call a little shit?
A dumpling.
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My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...
I’ll return
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A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper.
He notices a guy sitting by the window, gulping down a pint. Suddenly, the guy jumps up and leaps out of the window!
The man sits there in shock and confusion. But to his great surprise, after a minute, the guy calmly flies back through the window unharmed and asks for another pint.
"Hey, how did you do that???" He asks in amazement.
"Simple." explains the guy. "This beer is magic. Each pint gives you the power of flight for exactly 5 minutes."
The man orders a pint, gulps it down, and rushes to the window. He leaps out, and plummets down the ground, dying instantly.
The bartender sighs. "You know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, superman."
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I have my steaks like I have sex!
Very rare.
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What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit the Frog's fingers!
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My wife left me because of autocorrect
That's the last time she'll ever text me saying "Can you please bring home some milf from the supermarket?"
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