Maude Apatow Joins Pete Davidson-Judd Apatow Comedy

Maude Apatow joins Pete Davidson-Judd Apatow comedy

The Hollywood Reporter has brought word that Assassination Nation star Maude Apatow has signed on to join the cast of the upcoming Universal Pictures comedy from her father Knocked Up director Judd Apatow and Saturday Night Live vet Pete Davidson.

RELATED: Judd Apatow-Pete Davidson Comedy Lands Marisa Tomei

Davidson wrote the script to the film along with Apatow and Dave Sirus, which is described in the report “as a semi-autobiographical story of Davidson growing up in Staten Island, New York.” The young actor lost his father in 9/11, an event that that obviously had a vital impact on his life. At age 16 he jumped into stand up and used “stark, truthful” language on sensitive topics, including the loss of his father.

In addition to starring Davidson and Apatow, the cast will also feature Marisa Tomei, who won an Oscar for her role in the 1992 comedy My Cousin Vinny and has been nominated for two further Oscars and has gone on to have a very successful career on the big and small screen including landing the role of Aunt May in the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s reboot of Spider-Man and will to portray the mother of Davidson’s character.

Apatow, who was originally known for having small roles in her dad’s early films including Knocked Up, Funny People and This is 40, has most recently starred in last year’s black comedy thriller Assassination Nation and will next be seen in the upcoming HBO teen drama Euphoria alongside Zendaya. The 21-year-old actress is set to portray Davidson’s on-screen sister in the film.

Davidson joined SNL when he was just 20 years old, and has since appeared in numerous TV shows including Brooklyn Nine-Nine and The Jim Gaffigan Show. He also had a bit part in the aforementioned Trainwreck, and has earned critical raves for his performance in the comedy Big Time Adolescence.

RELATED: Judd Apatow & Pete Davidson Comedy Gets A 2020 Release Date

Apatow may not have directed a big screen feature since 2015, but he has kept busy with projects such as the 30 for 30 documentary Doc & Darryl, the documentary May It Last: A Portrait of the Avett Brothers, along with TV shows Crashing, Love and The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling. Barry Mendel (Funny People) will produce alongside Apatow.

The untitled comedy is set to hit theaters on June 19, 2020.

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Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 Could Begin Filming Next Year

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Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 could begin filming next year

Writer/director James Gunn may be preparing for production on the upcoming Warner Bros. and DC Extended Universe sequel The Suicide Squad, a new report has revealed that his return to the MCU with Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 couldactually begin production sometime in 2020, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

RELATED: Disney Reinstates James Gunn for Guardians of the Galaxy 3

Gunn, who wrote and directed the first two films, was originally set to return to direct the highly-anticipated third installment in the space-faring comic book franchise, but following resurfacing of controversial tweets from very early in his career, Disney cut ties with the 52-year-old director and production was delayed until the studio found an A-list filmmaker to replace him. After months of widespread support from fans and the entire cast of the films and f behind-the-scenes discussions between Disney and Gunn, he was reinstated to write and direct the third installment. The House of Mouse will allow Gunn the time to finish production on Warner Bros.’ The Suicide Squad, for which he signed on a few months after his firing.

Principal photography for The Suicide Squad is currently set to begin in Atlanta, Georgia in September with a release date set for August 6, 2021.

The first Guardians of the Galaxy was the surprise hit of the second phase in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, grossing nearly $775 million at the box office and earning widespread critical acclaim for its abundance of humor, emotional story and Gunn’s direction, in addition to its soundtrack becoming the first album of its genre consisting of previously released songs to top the Billboard 200 chart and having sold over 2.5 million copies in 2014 alone. The second film hit theaters three years later and prove to be a near equal success to its predecessor, grossing over $800 million at the box office and earning more acclaim from critics and audiences who continued to praise the performances, direction, soundtrack and story while some criticized a feeling of familiarity in some of the film’s humor.

RELATED: Meet the New Characters of The Suicide Squad Sequel

The space-travelling team were most recently seen in the box-office breaking Avengers: Endgame and while their next solo adventure doesn’t have a release date, Gunn’s completion of the script last year and with a production set for next year should see the film hit theaters sometime in 2022.

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Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD Poster Reveals Season 6 Premiere Date

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Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD poster reveals season 6 premiere date

ABC has released a new Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD poster, revealing that Season 6 of the series will premiere on Friday, May 10. Check out the full poster now in the gallery below!

RELATED: Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD Season 6 Character Photos Released

The season five finale saw the team put a stop to Glenn Talbot, aka Graviton, but also saw longtime team leader Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg) leave with Melinda May (Ming-Na Wen) to return to Tahiti to live out his final days after his brief time as a Ghost Rider burned through the Kree DNA coursing through his body that healed his fatal injury from The Avengers. With Coulson finally going off to be officially dead, the agency is in need of a new director, with Mack taking over the reigns.

Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD stars Clark Gregg as Agent Phil Coulson, Ming-Na Wen as Agent Melinda May, Chloe Bennet as Daisy Johnson, Iain De Caestecker as Agent Leo Fitz, Elizabeth Henstridge as Agent Jemma Simmons, Henry Simmons as Agent Alphonso “Mack” MacKenzie, Natalia Cordova-Buckley as Elena “Yo-Yo” Rodriguez, John Hannah as Holden Radcliffe, Adrianne Palicki as Bobbi Morse, Brett Dalton as Grant Ward, Luke Mitchell as Lincoln Campbell, and Nick Blood as Lance Hunter.

RELATED: Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD Season 6 Teaser is Here!

The series was co-created by Joss Whedon, Jed Whedon & Maurissa Tancharoen, who also serve as executive producers along with Jeffrey Bell and Marvel’s Jeph Loeb and Jim Chory.

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POLL: Who Should Be the Next Avengers? (SPOILERS)

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POLL: Who Should Be the Next Avengers? (SPOILERS)

Now that Avengers: Endgame is in wide release and destroying all kinds of box office records, it’s time to start looking forward to the next phase of the MCU. ComingSoon.net wants to hear from our readers about what past and future Marvel Studios characters they think should make up the next phase of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes as a team whenever Avengers 5 rolls around, presumably at the end of Phase 4. Make your voice heard in our Next Avengers poll below, and feel free to choose as many characters as you like! SPOILERS BEWARE!!!

RELATED: POLL RESULTS: Should Warner Bros. Make More Matrix Movies?

As far as the original core members of the Avengers team are concerned, keep in mind that Iron Man, Black Widow and Steve Rogers are no-go’s after the events of Endgame. Hulk and Thor still appear to be kicking it, and while Hawkeye seems to be retired and spending time with the fam you never know, especially now that he may be getting his own series on Disney+.

bike tracks

Endgame is the follow-up to last year’s Avengers: Infinity War, which saw the titular superhero team take the fight to Thanos in order to stop his attempt at exterminating half of the universe’s population with the Infinity Stones. But it was to no avail, as he was able to successfully collect them all and snap his fingers, wiping out half of all life from existence in a cloud of ash. The grave course of events set in motion by Thanos that wiped out half the universe and fractured the Avengers ranks compels the remaining Avengers to take one final stand in Marvel Studios’ grand conclusion to twenty-two films.

Avengers: Endgame stars Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johansson, Chris Hemsworth, Jeremy Renner, Don Cheadle, Sean Gunn, Paul Rudd, Brie Larson, Karen Gillan and Josh Brolin as Thanos.

The epic, three-hour final showdown between Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and the Mad Titan himself is in theaters now.

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Mandatory Streamers: Christina Applegate Returns to TV in Dead to Me

Mandatory Streamers: Christina Applegate returns to TV in Netflix’s Dead to Me

Welcome to Mandatory Streamers, our latest column covering the best new streaming content coming your way every week! For the week of April 29, Golden Globe nominee Christina Applegate is making her way back to the small screen alongside Emmy nominee Linda Cardellini in Netflix’s new dark comedy series Dead to Me, featuring friendships, widows, and shocking secrets. Check out the best shows debuting and returning online this week as well as the latest renewal announcements below, and be sure to visit our mother site Mandatory by clicking here!

Netflix

Dead to Me, Series Premiere: Misery loves company in Liz Feldman’s newest series described as a comedic Big Little Lies. Applegate plays Jen, a tightly-wound widow who is struggling to keep it together in the months since her husband was killed in a hit and run. She ends up meeting Cardellini’s Judy, a free spirit with a shocking secret that comes to light in the dark comedy. Dead to Me will launch on Netflix on May 3.

The CW

The 100, Season 6 Premiere: The new season of the hit CW series will explore the new planet and culture discovered in Season 5. New characters will join the narrative, including the planet’s leader named Russell (J.R. Bourne), who presides over a peaceful society. Based on the book series by Kass Morgan, The 100 Season 6 will begin streaming on The CW’s site following the premiere on April 30.

iZombie: Season 5 Premiere: After the game-changing Season 4 finale, the fifth and final season of the zombie rom-com drama kicks off with Major now serving as the zombie leader of New Seattle, Liv acting as the new Renegade, and Peyton playing the mayor of the divided city. Everyone will work together to try and preserve the peace between humans and zombies when the final season premieres on May 2.

BritBox

Shetland, Season 5 U.S. Premiere: Award-winning crime writer Ann Cleeves’ bestselling detective series returns with Douglas Henshall as DI Perez, solving crimes against the backdrop of the Shetland Isles. In the new season, the team investigates a complex murder mystery after a severed hand washes up on the beach, only to make a more shocking discovery further out to sea. New episodes begin streaming on April 30.

Renewals

The Twilight Zone, Season 2: CBS All Access has renewed Jordan Peele’s reimagining of Rod Serling’s classic after only five episodes into the anthology’s first season! The next episode of the series, “Six Degrees of Freedom,” stars DeWanda Wise and Jessica Williams and will begin streaming exclusively on CBS All Access starting May 2.

Black Monday, Season 2: Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg’s Showtime dramedy starring Don Cheadle, Andrew Rannells, and Regina Hall has been renewed for a second season! Created by David Caspe and Jordan Cahan, the show takes viewers back to October 18, 1987 — aka Black Monday, the worst stock market crash in the history of Wall Street. The series tells the story of how a group of outsiders took on the blue-blood, old-boys club of Wall Street and ended up crashing the world’s largest financial system and the glass ceiling. Season 1 of Black Monday is currently available to stream on Showtime.

On My Block, Season 3: Netflix’s hit coming-of-age comedy-drama has been renewed for a third season! The series follows four bright and street-savvy friends navigating their way through the triumph, pain, and the newness of high school they experience along the way. Friendships are tested as our characters confront the challenges of adolescence and life in their predominantly Hispanic and black neighborhood set in LA’s South Central neighborhood. The first two seasons of On My Block are available to stream exclusively on Netlifx.

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Ophelia Trailer: Daisy Ridley & Naomi Watts Star in Hamlet Reimagining

Ophelia trailer: Daisy Ridley & Noami Watts star in Hamlet reimaging

IFC Films has released the official Ophelia trailer starring Daisy Ridley, Naomi Watts, Clive Owen, George MacKay, and Tom Felton. Based on Shakespeare’s Hamlet, you check out the trailer for the film in the player below!

RELATED: IFC Films Debuts Full Trailer for Mary Magdalene

Ophelia is directed by Claire McCarthy (The Waiting City) and is based on the award-winning novel by Lisa Klein and adapted for the screen by the award-winning writer SemiChellas (Mad Men, The Eleventh Hour).

Set in the 14th Century but spoken in a contemporary voice, Ophelia is a dynamic re-imagining of Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Ophelia (Ridley) takes center stage as the Queen’s (Watts) most trusted lady-in-waiting. Beautiful and intelligent, she soon captures the attention of the handsome Prince Hamlet and a forbidden love blossoms. As war brews, lust and betrayal are tearing Elsinore Castle apart from within and Ophelia must decide between her true love or her own life in order to protect a very dangerous secret. Owen will play Claudius, MacKay will play Hamlet, Felton will play Laertes, and Terrell will play Horatio.

Hamlet has been performed on stage, of course, as well as on television and in film. In 1990, the film Hamlet starred Mel Gibson (Braveheart) in the titular role, with Glenn Close (Fatal Attraction) playing Queen Gertrude and Helena Bonham Carter playing Ophelia. The film was directed by Franco Zeffirelli. In 1996, Kenneth Branagh (Henry V) directed and starred in a four-hour version that contained every word of Shakespeare’s play. In that, Julie Christie (Doctor Zhivago) plays Queen Gertrude and Kate Winslet (Titanic) plays Ophelia.

RELATED: The Rise of Skywalker Trailer Viewed 111 Million Times in its First 24 Hours

Ophelia will open in theaters on June 28 and on VOD on July 5.

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On My Block Renewed for Season 3 at Netflix

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Legends of Tomorrow Season 4 Episode 13 Recap

Legends of Tomorrow Season 4 Episode 13 Recap

With Neron vanquished, the team takes it easy on this week’s Legends of Tomorrow Season 4 Episode 13. When an alert comes in from New York City in 1933, Sara and Ava use the opportunity to send Nate and Zari out together, wagering on whether the two will hook up or not before the mission ends. Sara and Ava use the downtime for a book club meeting. Mick and Charlie head to RomantiCon to collect $20,000 for Charlie to come out as Mick’s alter-ego and pen name Rebecca Silver.

No Time For Love Dr. Jones

Nate and Zari head to the Adventurer’s Society to investigate the alert. The two are dressed as and using the aliases Dr. Henry Jones, Jr. and Marion Ravenwood. The McGuffin in question is a golden egg found in the arctic. However, upon retrieving the egg, the two discover it is a fake. The pair decide that this was an elaborate set up by Sara and Ava to get the two to go out on a first date. However, when Nazis show up to steal the egg, the two call Sara and learn that this is a real mission and that those are real Nazis after them. Sara and Ava arrive to help set things straight while Nate goes back to the ship to check on Ray, who has been acting weird lately.

Book Club

Ava asks Sara to join her at her book club meeting. That means that Sara has to stop and read the selected book. Instead, Sara listens to the audio book as she exercises, only because how much it means to Ava. When Sara arrives at the book club meeting of a comatose Nora, Ava, and Mona, Mona gets an alert that author Rebecca Silver is going to identify herself at RomantiCon, leaving Sara and Ava to discuss the book. Ava confesses that she didn’t read the book, she just uses the time to sit with Mona and drink wine while Mona rambles on about the book.

Luckily for them, Sara did read the book. She identifies the person who switched the egg at the Society because it is similar to the plot of the book. Sara says it’s always the doormat that everyone mistreats who does the betrayal, which is revisited later in the episode.

RomantiCon

Mick has a laundry basket full of fan mail for Rebecca Silver, his pen name. In the pile, Charlie finds an invitation to RomantiCon, with an offer of $20,000 for Rebecca Silver if she’ll out herself during the convention’s Q&A panel and book signings. Charlie and Mick concoct a plan to have Charlie pose as Rebecca so they can collect the pay day. However, Mick has to train Charlie in the books, stating that this isn’t just a lark to him.

Mona arrives during the Q&A and recognizes Charlie. she outs Charlie as a fraud in front of the attendees. The room starts chanting, causing Mona to start to transform. Mick intervenes and answers Mona’s question, outing himself as Rebecca Silver, to applause.

Neron

Neron is trying to possess Ray. If Ray will submit without a fight, then no one else has to get hurt. If not, then Neron will force Ray to kill someone he loves, making it possible for Neron to steal Ray’s soul. Ray tries to fight off Neron’s influence while Constantine is away searching for items needed to wake Nora from her coma. That leaves Gary as the only one available to help Ray.

Neron’s influence grows, leading Ray to nearly kill Gary. the problem is that Ray likes Gary, but doesn’t love him. Gary becomes depressed. No one loves him. He’s the doormat for the Legends and the Time Bureau. Neron uses those feelings to influence Gary as well.

Nate returns to the ship to check on Ray. Possessed, Ray attacks Nate and is in a position to kill him. Ray stops Neron by giving up control so long as Neron doesn’t hurt Nate. Neron agrees to the deal, taking full control. When Constantine arrives and wakes Nora, she tells him to stop Neron, but it is too late by the time Constantine finds Ray. Constantine tries to hold Neron until Gary can bring Constantine what he needs to banish the demon. But, Neron has other plans. Neron offers Gary a gift in exchange for siding with him — Gary’s missing nipple. Gary accepts Neron’s offer and the two escape.

Back at the Bureau, Ava tells Nora that the agents are no match for Neron. Ava deputizes Nora as a Bureau agent and asks her help in defeating Neron and freeing Ray.

Let us know what you thought of Legends of Tomorrow Season 4 Episode 13. Post your thoughts in the comments below!

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POLL RESULTS: Should Warner Bros. Make More Matrix Movies?

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POLL RESULTS: Should Warner Bros. Make More Matrix Movies?

Twenty years after The Matrix debuted, Warner Bros. is in development on a new Matrix film, but is that such a wise idea? ComingSoon.net asked its readers whether or not WB should proceed with more Matrix movies, as well as whether the new film should be a sequel, prequel or reboot. Check out the official results of the nearly 3000 readers who participated in the poll below!

This week’s header image is by artist/screenwriter Ian Fried (Spectral), and you can check out a poster-version in the gallery below and purchase a t-shirt version at this link!

RELATED: 10 Reasons The Matrix Sequels Are Worth While

Should Warner Bros. Make more Matrix movies?

YES! The possibilities are endless!!!! (69%, 1964 votes)

NO. That franchise ran its course years ago. (31%, 903 votes)

While a two-thirds majority certainly seem like they are hungry for an expansion of the Matrix universe, it’s hard not to look at that other third of those who voted and said they weren’t interested. In the short time we’ve been doing polls we have seen much higher levels of enthusiasm for other properties. That said, it’s clear there is something of an audience for these new films that WB is planning. Now that we’re in a “post-truth” world where cyber crimes and the health of social media ecosystems are front-page news, is the sci-fi universe of The Matrix really all that exotic anymore? Would the new films still be R-rated and have a revolutionary underpinning where gender identities were blurred, or will the studio gut the politics of the original trilogy in favor of putting PG-13 action front and center?

Should a new Matrix movie be…

A sequel/continuation. (58%, 1493 votes)

A prequel about young Morpheus (24%, 612 votes)

A total reboot/remake (18%, 470 votes)

It seems like the consensus really wants a legacy sequel, which is in keeping with current trends. With big failures like The Amazing Spider-Man films, 2016’s Ghostbusters and 2019’s Hellboy, studios have yet to learn that when it comes to beloved properties a reboot is not the way to go. You want to go reboot only when the series is in shambles, as WB’s Batman franchise was before Christopher Nolan revamped it. The Matrix still has enough of a following that fans would want to see the original trilogy acknowledged and expanded upon while hopefully also evolving the concept, ala The Force Awakens or Halloween. As for a prequel concept, that might be an idea best left on the drawing board.

RELATED: POLL RESULTS: Should a Famous Actor Be the Next James Bond?

Two years ago it was revealed that Warner Bros. was interested in rebooting The Matrix franchise with writer Zak Penn (Ready Player One, X-Men: The Last Stand). Following fan displeasure at the announcement, Penn himself revealed that the new film isn’t a “remake/reboot” of the original series but in fact something else. Penn then went on record with ScreenRant to say that development continues on The Matrix reboot.

“I’ve been working on ‘Matrix’ right now,” Penn confirmed. “Which is in…a phase right now. That’s a franchise I desperately want to see brought back and, I can’t go in to too much detail, but I’ve been harassing Warner Bros. for years to try to get it going again so that’s one thing I’m working on and I’ve been working on a bunch of other things too… Both ‘The Matrix’ and OASIS [in ‘Ready Player One’] are similar in that they are brilliant ideas for universes. And they are not, you know, when it came out about ‘Matrix,’ people were like ‘Oh no, there going to reboot Matrix’ I was like, Why, I’m not insane. I mean, ‘The Matrix’ is still one of my favorite…they’d re-release ‘The Matrix’ and people would go see it… It doesn’t always have to be the same characters, you could go in so many different directions.”

It was previously reported that one of the concepts Warner Bros. is considering for the film is a young Morpheus movie, with an eye towards Michael B. Jordan starring as the character. Played by Laurence Fishburne in The Matrix, Morpheus is the captain of the Nebuchadnezzar and the leader of its crew. In the context of the series, a lot of key moments in Morpheus’ past took place offscreen, including his early relationship with Niobe (played by Jada Pinkett Smith in the series) and his visit to The Oracle, who revealed to him that he would find The One, all of which could be fertile ground for a solo/spin-off movie.

The Matrix was released back in 1999 to both critical acclaim and box office success, bringing in $463 million worldwide on just a $63 million budget. It was following by two sequels, The Matrix Reloaded in 2003 and The Matrix Revolutions (released six months after the first sequel) which combined to bring in $1.169 billion at the global box office. The Animatrix was an animated anthology based on the film series and was also released in 2003. There have been numerous video games, anime and comics in the franchise that have continued the story.

Are you excited about the idea of Matrix reboot, or simply a new Matrix movie? Sound off in the comments below!

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On Politics: Mueller Objected to Barr’s Description of His Findings

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Tidying Up

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India replies to Chinese media criticism of navy

Quoting a military expert, who sounded triumphant about “accurately predicting” that fires could breakout on INS Vikramaditya, the article said the error-prone Indian Navy had failed to learn its lessons.

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Las principales noticias del miércoles

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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

submitted by /u/tortoisesareawesome
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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says...

“Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

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A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

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99 bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code! Take one down, patch it around. 127 bugs in the code.

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

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Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.

​

When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it she found a nice shiny silver bathroom scale.

​

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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My wife of 60 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

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What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes....

Where pretty good but we haven't got a gig yet.

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A soldier and his commanding officer are in a bunker.

The soldier picks up his binoculars and scans the horizon.

Soldier: "Sir! Enemy troops spotted! They look really... little."

Officer: "Soldier, keep me informed!"

​

Some time passes.

Officer: "Status report soldier!"

Soldier: "Sir, the enemy troops look a little bigger."

​

Some time passes.

Officer: "Status report soldier!"

Soldier: "Sir, the enemy is upon us!"

Officer: "Soldier, launch the attack!"

Soldier: "Sir, I can't! I've known them since they were little..."

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Don't Spoil Endgame

Friend: Now I know how Endgame goes down... some idiot kid loudly spoiled it to everyone today.

Me: So... who died?

Friend: For starters, the kid.

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I was born to an Asian family

But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.

My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.

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As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

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Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?

Student: I didn't even know protons were Catholic.

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Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

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I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat...

My friend is already on Stage 4

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My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

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How many small people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least 2, but they gotta be small enough to get inside the light bulb

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Whoever took my anti depressants,

I hope you're happy now

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Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you should never turn your back on family.

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I got a dog from the blacksmith today

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door

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One day Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

Putin asks, "Why is everything here so bad? What should I do?"

“Execute the entire government and paint the Kremlin blue,” says Stalin.

“Why blue?” asks a perplexed Putin.

“I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part,” Stalin says.

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Cyclone Fani nears Odisha; tourists told to leave, poll code lifted

Cyclone Fani s likely to hit the Odisha coast by Friday afternoon and also affect West Bengal and the Srikakulam and Vizianagaram districts of Andhra Pradesh.

from Hindustan Times - topnews http://bit.ly/2GWT83m

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Lok Sabha elections 2019: In east UP, Congress banks on Priyanka Gandhi in triangular...

from Hindustan Times - topnews http://bit.ly/2IPRwdL

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Lok Sabha Elections 2019 |With AAP alliance we would have won all 7 Delhi seats,...

Congress’ New Delhi candidate Ajay Maken claims without an alliance with the Aam Aadmi Party, winning all seats in Delhi will be tough.

from Hindustan Times - topnews http://bit.ly/2PGjE3o

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Shiv Sena demands ban on burqa in public places, cites Sri Lanka

It said that the ban - something similar which the party has proposed in the past -- “has already come in Ravana’s (Sri) Lanka, when will it be implemented in Ram’s Ayodhya -- this is our question to (Prime Minister) Narendra Modi.”

from Hindustan Times - topnews http://bit.ly/2LbTqap

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India will add 2 more aircraft to strengthen AWACS capabilities

Armed with deep penetration and long-range radars, AWACS control the battle theatre in times of hostilities by providing advance information about movement of air assets of the adversary.

from Hindustan Times - topnews http://bit.ly/2DG9vPM

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Drama at Gurugram market over women in 'short dresses', video goes viral

A group of young women on Tuesday shared a video on social media of an incident in Gurugram, wherein an older woman allegedly harassed them at a restaurant over their dress choice. The group accosted the woman at a store and demanded an apology from her.

from Hindustan Times - topnews http://bit.ly/2J5g3L7

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Masood Azhar's listing is one small step in India's fight against terrorism

The past listings — of Hafiz Saeed, Lashkar-e-Taiba, Jaish-e-Mohammed — have done little to stop the terrorist groups from operating freely in Pakistan and mounting attacks on Indian soil

from Hindustan Times - topnews http://bit.ly/2V7TmNG

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Lok Sabha elections 2019- 'It's unfortunate that Rahul Gandhi is contesting from Kerala,...

Communist Party of India (Marxist) general secretary Sitaram Yechury tells Saubhadra Chatterji in an interview that the Left, whose presence in national politics has diminished over the years, is ready to play a big role in forming an alternative, secular government at the Centre.

from Hindustan Times - topnews http://bit.ly/2Y0piR3

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How privacy fares in the 2019 election manifestos | Opinion

We now have a rights-based language around privacy in the mainstream political discourse but that’s where it ends

from Hindustan Times - topnews http://bit.ly/2URSWpE

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India replies to Chinese media criticism of navy

Quoting a military expert, who sounded triumphant about “accurately predicting” that fires could breakout on INS Vikramaditya, the article said the error-prone Indian Navy had failed to learn its lessons.

from Hindustan Times - topnews http://bit.ly/2Wkild6

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Into the Badlands: [SPOILER]’s Death Makes Pilgrim’s Defeat Possible

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Fallout 76: The 10 Best Builds, Ranked

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