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’About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.
Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.
Dad replied “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.”
“Dad, I only see two trees”
Someone who's deep in thot.
I said maybe..
He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.
When he spotted a woman with spectacular breasts. He immediately offered her $100 if she would let him bite them. “No way!” She exclaimed “What about for $1000?” He persisted “No certainly not what kind of woman do you think I am?” “You wouldn’t even do it for $10,000,” he asked. The woman was astounded. “You’ll pay me $10,000 if I let you bite my breasts?” “That’s correct.” “Okay let’s go over to that alley.” Once in the alley she took off her blouse and the lawyer felt them, kissed them, and sucked them. She was beginning to get impatient. “Are you gonna bite them or what?” she snapped. “No,” he said “too expensive”
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
Suddenly, the son leans forward and asks, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
Surprised, the man said, "Of course not! Why ask such a question?"
His son replied, well I read a gravestone that read, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".
What's their endgame?
...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
Check your milk's expiration date.
My dad would regularly beat the shit out of me
I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.
I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.
Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.
I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Nope. Unintended.
Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.
I’ll return.
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."
Sylvester says, "Let us hear it."
So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers."
That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."
If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d go out to dinner with my parents to catch up.
“Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
In all honesty, I didn't know she sold flowers.
They both love cracking open a cold one.
The president was walking out of the White House heading towards his limo when a possible assassin jumps out and aims his gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startled the would be assassin long enough to be captured.
Later the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks “What the hell made you shout ‘Mickey Mouse’?”
Blushing, the agent replied “I got nervous...I actually meant to shout...‘Donald, Duck!’”
Roses are red
Thor is fat
God of thunder plays fortnite and roasts children on voice chat.
The doctor shows him a sign:.
WYRZYKOWTACZ.
Doctor: "Could you read those letters?"
Polish patient: "Letters? I know that guy!"

In the previous episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones, the characters at Winterfell prepared for the battle against the Army of the Dead. In Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 3, the Night King arrived with his Army and went after Bran.
As the Army approached Winterfell, Melisandre arrived just in time to set the Dothraki arakhs ablaze. But as they rode into the horde, the Dothraki’s lights went out too quickly. Daenerys took to the skies, and Jon followed, going against the plan. As the dead fought through the Unsullied and the troops under Brienne’s command, Edd died after saving Sam. The living soldiers retreated into Winterfell, but Daenerys on Drogon couldn’t see the signal to light the trench. Melisandre used her magic to ignite it, but the Army of the Dead made it through.
They scaled the walls, and a wight giant made its way onto the grounds, knocking Lyanna Mormont over. She rushed it, and as the giant picked her up and crushed her, she took it down with a stab in the eye.

Arya fought expertly on the wall, but the horde overtook her after a blow to the head. She made her way into the halls of Winterfell, but the dead were in there with her. Beric and the Hound went after her, and Beric saved Arya and endured a flurry of stabs, which killed him. They barricaded themselves in a room that Melisandre happened to be in. She pointed out that the Lord of Light kept bringing Beric back for a purpose, which was now fulfilled. Melisandre reminded Arya of what we say to death, and Arya left with a purpose.

Finally, the Night King showed his face, but a blast of dragon fire did nothing to him. Jon, who had been knocked to the ground during a dragon fight, went after him, but the Night King rose his hands. The newly dead around him join his army, and the Night King went inside. Down in the crypts, where those unable to fight were staying, proved to be dangerous as the dead Starks resting there also rose and attacked.
Viserion wreaked havoc on Winterfell with his blue fire, as Jon fought his way through. Meanwhile, the horde attacked Drogon, and Daenerys fell to the ground without a weapon. Jorah protected her, and he and Daenerys fought the dead outside of Winterfell.
Bran was in the Godswood serving as bait for the Night King, and Theon was there to protect him. When the Night King arrived, Bran told him he was a good man and thanked him. Theon rushed the Night King with a spear, and the Night King took him down easily. Theon died protecting Bran, but the Night King was ready to slaughter him.
Out of nowhere, Arya rushed the Night King. He stopped her hand, and Arya dropped the dagger. She caught it with her other hand and stabbed the Night King in the heart. The wights fell to the ground, and the white walkers exploded into ice. Viserion was about to end Jon but collapsed just in time. Finally, as the sun began to rise over Winterfell, Melisandre removed her necklace and fell to the ground in death.
What did you think of this epic battle of an episode of Game of Thrones? Let us know in the comment section below!
The post Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 3 Recap appeared first on ComingSoon.net.

Following The Battle of Winterfell, HBO has released the first promo for Game of Thrones episode 8.04, the next in the final season of the hit drama series. Check it out in the player below!
Based on the popular book series “A Song of Ice and Fire,” by George R.R. Martin, the Emmy-winning fantasy series chronicles an epic struggle for power in a vast and violent kingdom. The series stars Peter Dinklage, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Lena Headey, Emilia Clarke, Kit Harington, Sophie Turner and Maisie Williams.
Executive producers of Game of Thrones Season 8 are David Benioff, D.B. Weiss, Carolyn Strauss, Frank Doelger, and Bernadette Caulfield; co-executive producers are Guymon Casady, Vince Gerardis, George R.R. Martin and Bryan Cogman; and producers are Chris Newman, Greg Spence, and Lisa McAtackney.
RELATED: The Game of Thrones Season 8 Trailer Shows the Beginning of the End
The final season of Game of Thrones likely won’t be our last trip to Westeros, as HBO has greenlit a pilot set 1,000 years before the events of the wildly popular sword and sorcery epic. Naomi Watts and Josh Whitehouse have been cast in the prequel series. S.J. Clarkson (The Defenders, Jessica Jones) will direct the pilot.
The post Game of Thrones Episode 8.04 Promo: Win The Last War appeared first on ComingSoon.net.

Marvel Studios’ Avengers: Endgame has officially posted the biggest opening of all time, debuting to a record-shattering global haul of $1.2 billion, making it the first movie to gross $1 billion in its opening weekend. The film crossed the $1 billion threshold in just five days, breaking the eleven day record set by Infinity War .
“Kevin Feige and the Marvel Studios team have continued to challenge notions of what is possible at the movie theatre both in terms of storytelling and at the box office,” said Alan Horn, Chairman, The Walt Disney Studios. “Though ‘Endgame’ is far from an end for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, these first 22 films constitute a sprawling achievement, and this weekend’s monumental success is a testament to the world they’ve envisioned, the talent involved, and their collective passion, matched by the irrepressible enthusiasm of fans around the world.”
RELATED: Avengers: Endgame Review #1
“From the very beginning with ‘Iron Man,’ all we’ve wanted to do was tell stories that brought these characters to life onscreen the way we’ve experienced them as fans of the comics,” said Kevin Feige, President, Marvel Studios. “That we’ve had so many other successes in this journey leading to this unbelievable result with ‘Avengers: Endgame’ has been almost entirely due to the fans around the world who have supported us through it all. Our directors, Anthony and Joe Russo, and our writers, Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, really brought this story home, and I am also incredibly thankful for our cast and filmmakers from across the MCU and all who’ve worked so hard to make these films the best they can be, including the amazing teams at Marvel Studios and Disney. And of course, without Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, none of this would have been possible.”
Said directors Anthony and Joe Russo, “We poured our heart and soul into ‘Avengers: Endgame,’ hoping to tell a story that would inspire audiences around the world. Our family of cast and crew felt honored to be entrusted with bringing the Infinity Saga to a close. To Kevin Feige, everyone at Disney and Marvel, and the incredible, global community of fans – thank you.”
RELATED: Avengers: Endgame Review #2
Domestically the film brought in $350 million, breaking Infinity War‘s previous record of $257 million. Internationally the film debuted to the tune of $859 million, with $330.5 million of that coming from China alone.
Seven years ago, Marvel’s The Avengers became the first movie to ever debut to $200 million at the domestic box office and now Endgame has become the first ever $300 million debut in US box office history. The film kicked off with a record $60 million in Thursday previews contributing to a record first-day gross of $156.7 million. A record estimated Saturday of $109 million and a record estimated Sunday of $84.3 million bring the estimated debut to $350 million across three days from an all-time industry high 4,662 theaters.
Avengers: Endgame marks the 8th Marvel Studios movie to cross $1 billion, and the second this year after Captain Marvel. The film has already out grossed fourteen of the MCU’s other 21 movies in its opening weekend and has resulted in the biggest industry opening weekend of all time across all regions and in 44 markets. The film also had the biggest IMAX global debut of all-time with $91.5 million. Marvel Studios now holds the two biggest global openings of all time with Avengers: Endgame and Avengers: Infinity War.
The post Avengers: Endgame Has Earth’s Mightiest Opening with $1.2 Billion Globally appeared first on ComingSoon.net.

Chloë Grace Moretz has signed up for Tim Story’s live-action Tom and Jerry film, according to Collider. The actress will play Kayla, an employee at a “posh” hotel who seeks the help of broke alley cat Tom in order to rid the location of pesky mouse Jerry before he ruins a glamorous wedding event.
Story will also produce the pic for Warner Bros. from a script by the writing trio of Katie Silberman, April Prosser and Kevin Costello — though none have officially received credit just yet. The Story Company’s Sharla Sumpter Bridgett will also produce.
RELATED: Tom and Jerry and Scooby-Doo Films in the Works at Warner Bros.
The film will feature an animated (and silent) Tom and Jerry, whose shenanigans will take place in a live-action world. This is the first in a series of similarly designed projects from WB with the others being Space Jam 2 from producers Ryan Coogler, Maverick Carter and LeBron James; Scooby Doo, which Chris Columbus is currently overseeing; and a Wile E. Coyote vs. ACME hybrid feature, with Chris McKay from the LEGO universe as creative supervisor.
RELATED: David Bowers to Direct Live-Action/CG Hybrid Rugrats Movie
Moretz has a number of projects in development, including an animated take on The Addams Family, for which she voices Wednesday Adams, the animated film Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs, and the films Shadow in the Cloud, Love is a Gun and Blood on the Tracks. Recently, she starred in the horror remake Suspiria and the drama Greta.
The post Chloë Grace Moretz Joins Cast of Tom and Jerry Movie appeared first on ComingSoon.net.

Chalk up another set of box office records for Avengers: Endgame, as Walt Disney Studios reports the film brought in a colossal $156.7 million domestically for the highest opening day of all time in the US. The film debuted 32% ahead of tar Wars: The Force Awakens which opened to $119 million on its first day, and 47% ahead of Avengers: Infinity War which opened with $106 million on its first day. The studio is estimating a $310 to $340 million range for the film’s opening weekend, which would set yet another record.
Internationally the film has brought in $487 million as of Friday night, meaning it has already broken the record for the highest opening weekend internationally of all time with two days still remaining. The film eclipsed The Fate of the Furious‘ $443 million haul. Globally the movie has brought in an estimated $644 million as of Friday, giving it the highest opening weekend of all time with $644 million as of now, that number could go as high as $1 billion for the weekend alone.
RELATED: Avengers: Endgame Review #1
Last year’s Infinity War saw the titular superhero team take the fight to Thanos in order to stop his attempt at exterminating half of the universe’s population with the Infinity stones. But it was to no avail, as he was able to successfully collect them all and snap his fingers, wiping out half of all life from existence in a cloud of ash.
The grave course of events set in motion by Thanos that wiped out half the universe and fractured the Avengers ranks compels the remaining Avengers to take one final stand in Marvel Studios’ grand conclusion to twenty-two films, Endgame.
RELATED: Avengers: Endgame Review #2
Cast members for the fourth film include Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johansson, Chris Hemsworth, Jeremy Renner, Don Cheadle, Sean Gunn, Paul Rudd, Brie Larson, Karen Gillan, Katherine Langford and Josh Brolin as Thanos.
The post Avengers: Endgame Delivers $156.7 Million on Friday, Breaking More Records appeared first on ComingSoon.net.

In a surprising move, Netflix has opted not to bring back Santa Clarita Diet, the dark comedy starring Drew Barrymore and Timothy Olyphant, despite stellar reviews and various Top 10 binge/streaming rankings over the past month. According to Deadline, fans of the show are petitioning for a Season 4 via #SaveSantaClaritaDiet on Twitter. Season 3 premiered on March 29.
RELATED: Mandatory Streamers: Uma Thurman Embraces Small Screen Horror in Chambers
The reason for the cancellation wasn’t given. though the trade notes that a number of recent Netflix cancellations, such as One Day at a Time, Travelers, Love, Bloodline, Hemlock Grove and Marvel’s Daredevil, all of which were cancelled after three seasons, had gotten too expensive for the streaming service to produce.
“The world had never known a ‘zom-com’ until Santa Clarita Diet, and we’re indebted to creator Victor Fresco for bringing this idea to Netflix,” the streaming service said in a statement. “To their endless credit, the incredible Drew Barrymore and Timothy Olyphant were totally game, with an uncanny knack for comedy that brought Sheila and Joel Hammond to vibrant life, even though one of them was undead.”
Added Olyphant: “I loved working on this show,” he said. “I’m going to continue coming in and doing scenes. If they don’t want to film it, that’s up to them.”
Barrymore stated that the character of Sheila Hammond is one of her favorites. “She and Joel were an amazing couple, who had shared goals. And i am lucky to have worked along side Tim Olyphant. It was an honor to get to do something so delightful. Sheila lives forever in me. And I am grateful to Victor Fresco, who created a world so unique.”
RELATED: Fox’s Fear Street Trilogy Adds Emily Rudd and McCabe Slye to Cast
In Santa Clarita Diet‘s first season, Joel (Timothy Olyphant) and Sheila (Drew Barrymore) Hammond are husband and wife realtors leading vaguely discontented lives in the L.A. suburb of Santa Clarita with their teenaged daughter Abby (Liv Hewson), until Sheila goes through a dramatic change sending their lives down a road of death and destruction… but in a good way.
The second season found the Hammonds trying to adapt to Sheila’s now-advanced undead state — even though she’s desperately working to hold on to her suburban lifestyle and not be defined as just another monster. Unfortunately — while the family had become markedly better at murder — the number of missing people in Santa Clarita is starting to pile up and it’s no longer going unnoticed.
Season 3 has the couple facing the possibility of eternity together (or apart) as Joel has to decide if he wants to become undead like his wife so they can remain together forever.
Santa Clarita Diet also stars Liv Hewson (Dramaworld) as Abby Hammond and Skylar Gisondo (Vacation) as Eric Bemis. The series comes from showrunner Victor Fresco.
The post Netflix Cancels Santa Clarita Diet After 3 Seasons appeared first on ComingSoon.net.

After much speculation, Shannen Doherty has decided to return to Beverly Hills 90210. FOX has announced the actress has signed on to the reboot, aptly titled BH90210, and will also serve as executive producer.
For four seasons, Doherty starred as “Brenda Walsh” on the groundbreaking teen drama, but this time when the cast gets back together, it will come with a big twist: the seven former teen idols will be playing heightened versions of themselves in the brand-new serialized drama – with a healthy dose of irreverence – that is inspired by their real lives and relationships with each other.
Having gone their separate ways since the original series ended 19 years ago, Shannen, Jason, Jennie, Ian, Gabrielle, Brian and Tori reunite when one of them suggests it’s time to get a Beverly Hills, 90210 reboot up and running. But getting it going may make for an even more delicious soap than the reboot itself. What will happen when first loves, old romances, friends and frenemies come back together, as this iconic cast – whom the whole world watched grow up together – attempts to continue from where they left off?
RELATED: Luke Perry’s Final Riverdale Episode Airs This Week
The first rebooted series, simply titled 90210, debuted on The CW in 2008 and ran for five seasons until 2013, featuring original cast members Jennie Garth, Shannen Doherty, Ann Gillespie, Tori Spelling and Joe E. Tata in guest appearances. The upcoming meta reboot was originally being shopped to multiple networks, with CBS actively developing the project as recently as December, but it appears the series will return to its home network of Fox — and will be labeled as a co-production of CBS TV Studios and Fox Entertainment.
Luke Perry, who passed away on March 4, had not previously committed due to his work on Riverdale. BH90210 will pay tribute to its star..
RELATED: Beverly Hills 90210 Revival in the Works
Mike Chessler and Chris Alberghini, who worked on The CW series, are on board to write and executive produce. They have some history with the mockumentary format, as well, as the two created So NoTORIous, the Tori Spelling vehicle that aired for one season on VH1 back in 2006.
The six-part revival of Beverly Hills, 90210 is set to debut this summer on Fox.
The post Shannen Doherty Returning for Beverly Hills 90210 Revival Event appeared first on ComingSoon.net.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel herself, Rachel Brosnahan, has landed the lead in Amazon Studios’ I’m Your Woman. The actress will also serve as producer alongside La La Land‘s Jordan Horowitz. Horowitz will produce and co-write the script alongside spouse Julia Hart, who will also serve as director.
RELATED: Rosemarie DeWitt To Lead Hulu’s Little Fires Everywhere
Brosnahan will play Jean, a woman who must go on the run with her child due to her husband’s crimes, only to bump into another couple with whom they form an unlikely partnership.
RELATED: Mandatory Streamers: Uma Thurman Embraces Small Screen Horror in Chambers
Hart’s directing credits include 2016’s Miss Stevens, 2018’s Fast Color and Disney’s upcoming Stargirl, which is slated for a 2020 release.
Brosnahan hit the big time with the critically acclaimed The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, but previously popped up in a number of television shows and feature films including Netflix’s House of Cards, NBC’s The Blacklist, and 2016’s The Finest Hours.
The post I’m Your Woman: Rachel Brosnahan Joins New Amazon Drama appeared first on ComingSoon.net.